Power struggles

More angst about not working

An exhausting day. My sisters, with children and the remaining husband, turned up for lunch and the rummage sale. As they made off with a lot of dolls houses, beds, chairs, ladybird costumes, etc, I felt a great sense of relief. Meanwhile I still have an adult fairy costume with wings, adult sexy Santa costume (from our Christmas party, mistakenly ordered in fit of festive madness from American Pin Up Girl website and designed really for someone 20 years younger. Still, I learned a lot about Xmas US-style – clearly lots of housewives surprise their husbands by wearing fur-trimmed Santa lingerie on Christmas day – or do they wear it at other times, too?), assorted judo kit and Brownie uniform parts, plus bag of portable umbrellas. I have spent many rainy days hunting for the latter over the past years, and now, when I finally will not need them, they all turn up like buses, or boyfriends.

Controlling men

I was already tired after last night with Jasmine and Steve – one of those evenings that was superficially enjoyable – bottle of wine, joking - but actually not. The main reason it wasn’t is that Jasmine not only really doesn’t approve of our going to Spain but also cannot accept the idea of me not working in my “high-powered” job. It seems to be upsetting her world view in some way – perhaps I was a proxy for her?

I suppose I might be upset if she suddenly took a job in an investment bank, because I find her restful the way she is, with her big garden, her glamorous clothes and done nails and her horses. I only thought of that now, but at the time I was somewhat fed up and in fact tearful in the car home. I rather turned on Sandy, pointing out that he had not stood up for me in any way when Jasmine did her routine about how hard it would be for me not working or as she puts it, “being a lady of leisure”. She had also added to this a line about how Sandy would now boss me about and tell me what car I could have. What is more, she had been on at me in the week about how men respected and were scared of working women and if I didnt work I was going to lose all my power and just be a housewife like her, whom nobody would take seriously.

I said I want a jeep. This is true, I do. I have always wanted something like a Mini Moke that you drive on the beach, ever since I thought they were cool about 20 years ago. However, I would settle for any kind of convertible jeep. Sandy has some practical and technical objections to this which are quite boring, so I don’t listen to them, but let them go in one ear and out the other. The fact is, I know he will choose the car, because he chooses technical things, and I reminded him on the way home that he had not chosen the car we had and that I had never been able to choose a car. I was playing up a bit because in fact I don’t particularly care about cars. However, the idea that I wouldn’t be able to choose if I wanted to was not a good one.

“Don’t pay any attention,” Sandy said. “Don’t take it out on me because Jasmine’s got an issue.”
“Fine,” I said. “But I’m not happy that because I’m not working, you’re going to hold it over me.”
“I’ve got absolutely no issue about you not working,” he said.
“Well, why didn’t you say so?”
“Because it isn’t an issue for me. Look, J, we’re a family – we’re in this together,” he said, which made me feel better.
“But I want to feel I’m making a contribution,” I said. Clearly my massive guilt is not subsiding, since I had to justify myself to Jasmine and Steve by pointing out I had money to last at least a year before I was technically “not working.”
“You are making a contribution,” he said.
“Well, I think I am. I mean, we couldn’t go if I hadn’t given up.. someone has to settle the children, sort everything out..” I am beginning to be bored of hearing myself say this. “Anyway, in a year or maybe 6 months, I’ll have a job.”
“Look, don’t be silly, “ he said. This isn’t an issue between us. This is all about the power issues they have between the two of them,” he said.


I wonder. Jasmine and Steve got married when they were about 20, and she has never worked, plus he has made all the decisions. Recently, she has begun to assert herself, she told me, and not let him decide everything. We are not talking about anything radical like getting a job, but more traditional methods or assertion, such as flirting with a local guy that has the hots for her; these strategies amount to baboons showing their bottoms, or something – they are sexual defiance.

When Steve suspected he had found out something, he bought her a Cartier bracelet. Jasmine was quite happy but said she liked the idea of a young, not very well off man, because it meant she could be the boss for once. I asked her if she’d actually like to be with someone like that and she said no, it was just to have a change.

I can relate to this: I had quite a few control-freak love affairs before Sandy but actually would probably bite anyone that actualyl tried even to help me across the road. In fact, Sandy is very laid-back and wouldn’t ever try and control anyone. i explained to Jas that in my view sometimes you like the idea of a change –and, in the way that you can be drawn to food to which you are allergic, it can be very compelling, until it brings you out in spots and you choke on your own vomit. Mind you, it really annoys me that Sandy never says “I’d like it if you gave up work” or indeed helps me across the road, but in fact walks several paces ahead of me talking on his phone and appears to forget I am there at all.

So Sandy is right, I should not listen to Jasmine, who after all has admitted she likes the attention she gets in hospital and may have her boobs made larger again because it gives her power over men.

We met our old friend Johnny in Obergurgl; he has just retired. He said when you give up work you have to let go of a lot of things. I am finding this true, but hard. In fact, I think I am clinging on by my fingernails to the rock that never yielded to me in the first place. I spent a long time trying to prove I could make it to the top, but feel I have realised I am in fact am hanging on half way there, and now have to let myself back down again. The fact that the top wouldn’t have suited me, that I am a better diver than rockclimber, or that rock climbing is pointless, are all arguments beside the point. I still feel I should have made it to the top. Is that feeling of something slipping through my fingers the feeling of losing my power?